When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
