Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
