there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
