He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
