I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
