you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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