Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
