I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
