Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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