Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
