i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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