How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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