i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
