My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
