If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
