is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
