I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
