I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
