Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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