Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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