woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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