i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
