we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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