i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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