A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
