Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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