I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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