They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
