are you so shy because you have an std?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
