Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
