You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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