we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
