I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
