I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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