I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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