you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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