This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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