my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
