I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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