I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she woke up with a sticky ear
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
