You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
