I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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