I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
