I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
