Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
