im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
