I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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