I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
its not stalking. its research.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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