a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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