literally had 100 drinks last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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