dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
