Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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