No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
