i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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